Don't get me wrong--I agree that a perfectly smooth-sailing relationship would be pretty boring to watch for a whole season, and I'm not actually saying that unhealthy relationships shouldn't be portrayed on TV at all. They happen in real life, and therefore appeal to many viewers because of their relatability. What I mean is that they shouldn't be portrayed as something good.
Before I go any further, it makes sense to define what a "healthy relationship" is not. While most people should already be familiar with this, according to youth.gov, a website maintained by the US government to help promote youth health, aspects of an unhealthy relationship include:
- Control. One dating partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, what to wear, or who to spend time with. He or she is unreasonably jealous, and/or tries to isolate the other partner from his or her friends and family.
- Hostility. One dating partner picks a fight with or antagonizes the other dating partner. This may lead to one dating partner changing his or her behavior in order to avoid upsetting the other.
- Dishonesty. One dating partner lies to or keeps information from the other. One dating partner steals from the other.
- Disrespect. One dating partner makes fun of the opinions and interests of the other partner or destroys something that belongs to the partner.
- Dependence. One dating partner feels that he or she “cannot live without” the other. He or she may threaten to do something drastic if the relationship ends.
- Intimidation. One dating partner tries to control aspects of the other's life by making the other partner fearful or timid. One dating partner may attempt to keep his or her partner from friends and family or threaten violence or a break-up.
- Physical violence. One partner uses force to get his or her way (such as hitting, slapping, grabbing, or shoving).
- Sexual violence. One dating partner pressures or forces the other into sexual activity against his or her will or without consent.
These are all, unfortunately, aspects of a romantic relationship that show up for many people at least occasionally. It's hard to completely avoid these things, because we are human and we do make mistakes. Where BLs sometimes go wrong in portraying these actions is when a couple happily moves on from one party's outburst of any one of these without any apology or acknowledgement that it was a bad choice to make. For instance, I feel like it's wrong to cut from a scene where one character is attempting to push his love interest off while pinned against a wall to a different scene where the two are happily cuddling with half of their clothes gone (Love by Chance). The implication of a cut is often that there was no critical plot between the scenes preceding and following it, such as the provision of consent and an apology for not asking for it before. This can send the message that unhealthy aspects of relationships can lead to happiness, which risks setting unrealistic and, frankly, dangerous expectations for people with little personal experience in romantic relationships, i.e. me. Those of us like me are already plauged with the notion that kisses just magically happen through telepathetic communication--it is high time for that to stop, because asking to kiss someone (or anything else) should not feel as weird as it does.
This goes beyond BLs. While most people are blessed with critical thinking skills, allowing them to undergo the same thought process as described above, we're surrounded from an early age by media, and we do ultimately learn at least a few things from it a la "monkey see, monkey do." That's just how brains work--imitating those around us is a survival mechanism. Though portraying realistic navigation through unhealthy aspects in a way that would actually lead to a happy outcome would likely not fix everything wrong with every couple in the world, perhaps it would help people have more accurate expectations regarding dating, and maybe aid people in having happier, safer relationships.
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